The Blue Fairy...

School...

Thu, 27 May 2010 20:22:00 +0000

I have always been intellectually and spiritually old, but realised that actually, emotionally, I was very immature. I did not know what love truly was, or what a real friendship consisted of, and often allowed people to both use and walk all over me.

The realisation that I was like this, has actually made me grow emotionally, in a very significant way.

Last year it had been 10 years since I had left school, and since I had left the town that I spent my teenage years in, and I have not been back since. Somebody opened up a face book group, stating that we should have a reunion, but they failed in making it actually happen, so this year, admittedly when I had a bit too much to drink, I decided that as I was good at organisation, I would organise it myself. It did not take long to work out the costs. There were over a hundred people in my year group, so splitting the costs would be easy. It would cost a one of payment of £250 for 4 hours (I think). This was all out our old school (cheeky people didn’t want to give us a discount!!) Anyway, there would also be a returnable deposit of £350. This would be returned only if everything was ok and not broken in any way. So a grand old total of £600. Considering there is over 100 of us that would have been £6 each… if 50 people came then £12... With more than half of that amount being refunded… NOTHING really. Anyway, people didn’t want to pay that money and just expected everything to be handed to them, for them to turn up free of charge, drink for free, eat for free. Well, who will pay? Not me that is for sure! There is no way I would ever risk handing over a deposit of £350 of my own money for a load of people I barely know anymore.

So the reunion is cancelled, and I chat to a friend I used to know about it, and we arrange to meet up in 2 months time, in the town where I used to live. This would cost me £50 travel alone. She informs me that she will invite a few others… great! But then it becomes more people and more, and people either do not reply, or say no, which starts making me feel down. I then ask my friend if she knows any cheap B&Bs in the area. She replies “what do I look like a travel agent?” I find this rather rude. For a friend I would either offer for them to stay at mine, or alternately, either suggest somewhere or say I will look in to it.

Three people said that they would come. So I post on their walls that I was looking forward to it, and soon after I do this, someone else I used to know posts a cruel message, and automatically one of the people who said that they would come suddenly miraculously remembers that her fathers birthday is in a few days so she cannot come.

I realised that I would probably turn up and be stood up, so decided not to go and just delete everybody… and its probably the best idea I have had.

Anyway, the point of all of this is the following…

I have realised that I do not need these people in my life. I have managed to live the past 10 years without them, and can do it again. They never talk to me, they just add me to be nosey and then never say anything. I used to think, because of the bullying I went through at school, I needed to see these people again to get over it, but in fact, and now I realise, I got over it years ago. These people were not my true friends at school, and never will be, they are merely emotional vampires wanting to show off about their non existent achievements, and yes may be it was funny looking to see what they have done with their life, but what have I gained from it? Just the knowledge that they are all still the same narrow minded bigots.

The girl who used to sing at school who looked down on others and would have probably have gone on to the X Factor and been laughed off if it existed back then, still sings, and still takes photoshopped model pics of herself, but who will see those pics? Just random nobodies on face book. Who hears her sing? Just people in pubs.

The girl who used to pretend to be nice to everyone just to make herself feel better is now posting and posting pictures and status’ of her “perfect” family and baby, not noticing that no one ever comments back, as they really do not care… going on and on about her baby not caring that there are people out there who have lost children and do not like it being in their face 24/7.

The girl who always tried to be popular by talking about people behind their backs is still doing just that. Afraid of becoming unliked, so needs to bring others down.

The unpopular girl who hid behind a mask of bubbliness to hide her actual self hating and jealousy has grown up to become even more jealous of people, trying to bring their happiness down by drowning it with her own misery.

The girl who was never intelligent enough to realise that people were taking the Michael out of her, and thought she was gods gift to men, has grown up to be a tart with no self respect and obsessed with sexuality.

The boy who used to think he was popular has grown up to be so self absorbed that he can’t even see what’s right in front of him.

The girls who used to plaster themselves with make up and be nasty to people have achieved absolutely nothing, realising that beauty will not give them everything, and that bullying does not achieve anything in the real world.

They write status after status documenting their every move, picture after picture, and does anyone care? Does anyone ever comment? It is merely a popularity context which they should have left behind the day they left school..

Everybody has their problems, everybody has their own issues, but these people respect no one, just as they did in High School. They do not respect the fact that people do in fact change.

If any of my old school acquaintances ever read this and think that I am talking about them… then it must be true as they obviously have some guilt in their hearts and souls.

The only good thing that has come out of this, is I am in contact with a friend I used to know who has achieved more than what she thinks since leaving school. She has become spiritually whole.

I am free of the past now. I have everything that I want and have come so far. I am proud, and now can leave the past where it belongs… in the past.

If you are still at school, take heed of this... those people that are bullies will be the same in 10 years... they may be big fish at school, but in the real world they are merely plankton in the ocean that is life.

Death...

Fri, 09 Apr 2010 20:41:00 +0000

I have met a lovely group of people recently who have gone through a tragedy, but with such dignity and unity that it is rather humbling.

Through here people often ask me why they never get any signs from loved ones that have passed on. Now, I am not preaching, but the following is what I personally believe, so feel free to take what you wish, and disgard the rest...

I believe that "up there" time does not exist. Here, time is like a straight line, there is a beginning and an end, one occurance after another. But, "up there" time is more like a circle, with no end and no beginning, with no seconds, minutes or hours, existance is just existance. Like our mere mortal brains cannot possibly comtemplate the fact that the universe is never ending, how could we possibly even understand how time could not exist, it is beyond mathematics and science.

As there is no time, everything happens "now", the passed one can see everything that they want, what was, what is, and what will be.

I also believe that "up there", it is perfect. There is no negativity, therefore there is no feeling of missing somebody, and no sadness nor anger.When we return to our home, we leave all negativity on Earth. Everyone that has ever done us wrong, we realise that it happened for a reason, usually it happened to teach us and make us evolve to a higher level. (I believe we are here to learn) Because there is no negativity, our loved ones do not miss us, this doesn't mean they don't love us, but as time does not exist, they know that we will be there in the blink of an eye, and they know that in the end, when the time is right, everything will work out and we shall all be ok.

Although you may not be able to see or hear them, they can see and hear you and you can talk to them as they will listen. People are usually so busy, even whilst watching TV the mind is focused on the TV, so we often do not see the little signs out of the corner of our eye... the shadow that moves, the feather that falls from nowhere... but we will see them again, and they really are always with us...

A Rose Emerges...

Sat, 03 Apr 2010 09:26:00 +0000

Recently I have been feeling a bit down and useless, akin to a palm tree in a snow storm...

I haven't been doing any psychic readings for anyone, I haven't been doing any healing in a few weeks, and I haven't been doing any blogging or meditation :P

I have recently moved in to a wonderful house near fields, a stream, lakes and woods (which is somewhat of a luxery here in England) and I have had birds, deer, foxes, squirrels and badgers all coming in to my garden. I feel calm here...

Anyway, for the past few nights I have been asking (who? I have no idea... just the world I suppose) to help somebody... not to selfishly make me feel better... but because I feel I haven't helped anyone in some time and I feel this is a bit cruel of me...

I started dreaming some very strange colourful, vibrant, exciting dreams... l can only describe it as that Carousel song by Mr Bungle lol... and I could hear drumming... it was like some grand entrance theme to some massive broadway show. It then started spinning round and round, faster and faster and I started feeling quite sick, but was laughing and laughing, then I fell on my ass :P I was sat there feeling quite dizzy and everything around me turned purple... there was nothing, no shapes, nothing but space that was coloured purple. Someone then appeared in front of me, put a hand out, but I couldn't see their face as I was so dizzy. We then walked and walked through this purple haze talking and talking until there was a massive flash of red and I woke up.

I have never in my life had such a colourful and vibrant dream... it was nice in a circusy sort of way :P It made me feel quite good all day. When I came home from work I decided to open up a new hotmail account as I want to create a new website... that suicide chat one that I have said about before (to PREVENT suicide NOT discuss the best ways) Usually I find it hard to think about what username to use, but this one just came out straight away. Well, I started creating the website, and went to bed.

Next day when I came back from work, I had an email from MySpace. I have not got a MySpace account (deleted the BlueFairy one may be I should get it back....) so I requested a reset password and got 2 emails back. I then logged on and was going to delete it straight away as I find it invading someones privacy, but I found myself drawn to looking at this profile, and I found hundreds of memorial comments. I then skimmed through the emails and found one from years back from this young mans mother, so emailed her to see if she would like the password for the account, which she did.

Its strange how things work... for years someone tries to get into someones account and they can't, and one random event happens and everything is worked out. I'm glad I could help, it makes me smile from the inside!

There are things that I feel like I should say right now that seem to be screaming from my mind, but I don't think its appropriate, but one thing that is really screaming out is... amidst all tears there's a smile.

Anyway, now I've had my fairy wings reattached, I feel like helping out again. No one ever seems to help me... alas I am not helping others merely to serve my own needs and gain favours... but to help me grow inside.

I am starting to see Daniel, my deceased son, again.

Prediciments

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 02:19:00 +0000

I have often been contacted through here about friendships and how to deal with them. How do you help a friend whos making bad decisions and you want to help them but if you say anything the friend will turn their back on you...

...well I have experience of this...

I had an amazing best friend, one who stood in my corner and helped me through my darkest days. He helped me through pregnancy, depression, birth, I even named my son after him, even when my first son died, he was there for me. Years later I moved away, and saw him regularly, but then suddenly he got a girlfriend and didn't speak to me for a year, I was absolutely fine with this, at the end of the day, he was living his life and I was happy for him and proud of him. My fiance then collapsed at work and was on life support in a coma, that night I rang my old friend, and as usual, he was supportive and spoke to me for an hour, and ended the conversation that he would like me to call in a few days when I knew something. Well... my fiance came out of his coma, and was diagnosed with a terminal cancerous brain tumour. I called my friend and told him, and again he was supportive (unknown to me he was in a restaurant with his woman at the time) A few weeks later his girlfriend called me, telling me that as she was his woman it was "inappropriate for me to contact him"... I explained that he had been my friend for 10 years and that I only called him as my man was terminally ill, I hadn't called in a year at this point, and I needed a friend to talk to... she then accused me of trying to seduce him.... of which I explained, there was no way in hell I would do this, especially when my man was so ill... but would she listen... no... she even said that if I really cared about my man, I wouldn't be talking to another man. Against my better judgement, at this stage I emailed my friend telling him that all I wanted was friendship and that I was shocked how he allowed his woman to do this (especially at her age) well... she'd taken over his email. His myspace and email address were promptly deleted as was his phone number... fair enough... I looked from afar and noticed he went from someone who was in 3 metal bands wearing black, with long black hair... to someone completely different. He quit his bands, he stopped dying his hair, wore different clothes, she changed him. When I first found out about her, I told him he could invite her to mine and my mans whenever he liked... but he seemed distant... like he was embarrased of her... I've recently seen footage of him looking so miserable.

Well there you go... 10 years of friendship down the drain. He had helped me through domestic violence, yet was in the same abusive relationship that I had been in... He knew my sons father had abandoned him, and now his step father was dying, and now he abandoned my son... I felt so angry...

but...

Do you do anything?

These people we care about so badly, we do not want them getting hurt at all, but what can you do? If someone is controlling them, then they will not listen, and if you say something, they shall just walk away and not talk.

Do you put a spell on the nasty person? No. If something illegal is happening, you report it. If its not illegal, but abusive, what do you do? I shall tell you... you put a protection spell on the one you love, do the best you can, abused men and women never see reason until they want to. You let the situation run its course. Maybe it was in their life pattern to do this. It hurts like hell seeing someone you care about being abused, whether physically, mentally or emotionally. Show that you're their to help, call the appropriate authorities if its physical, but they will not be helped unless they wish to help themselves.

Snubbed

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 22:56:00 +0000

Tried to offer a helping hand a few weeks ago to someone but they didn't even bother getting back to me. Its exactly what my Arkansas mate tells me... not in these words exactly but... stuff other people and what they do/think.

I was hurt like hell last year to the point where it COULD have broke me. I forgave this "man" and offered him friendship alas he just shits on me again.

Funny thing is, yes I have negative vibes towards him which have and will carry on, but he is doing the same as my previous post. He is putting his whole life on the internet. I hardly ever come on the net anymore, only to update this site and look for smurfs (yes... I love them lol) He will never find a REAL woman just internet relationship after internet relationship preying on the vulnerable and then stuffing it up.

Some people have no perception of real values, all they see is an outer body and money. They will learn.

As I've said before, I do not bring on 3 fold it just happens, it is the way it is. Some people, for what they've done to me or others, will recieve it sooner or later. One day they'll see what they've lost. I really wish to help these people but they're beyond help and there's no point in me even attempting and wasting my time doing it. I used to bend over backwards and try my best to help people, but unfortunately, nowadays, I have noticed that people are evil and do not deserve it. Only 1% of people that I know deserve the help.

I have a lovely group of girl friends who are absolutely brilliant, I have a brilliant fiance who treats me like I am a queen (and is REAL life not just on the internet lol he lives only 6 miles away) I have a wonderful son who surprises me every day, a brilliant job, and a fantastic dog and an equally fantastic puppy. I am rich, maybe not financially, but spiritually I have everything.... love. This is who I am this is what I am and if anyone doesn't like it... stuff em.

Getting out of the rut...

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 19:18:00 +0000

Looking around makes me feel cold inside.

There's a group of people who are in a rut. Every 6-12 months they have the same problems again and again. They are happy then suddenly the same circumstance props its ugly head and they are back in this vicious circle.

I used to be in a vicious circle. Mine was an 18 month-er that was getting less and less, and one day due to, not only someone giving me advise, but my own realisation of life, I managed to get out of this circle and I started to live. I used to do things to make others happy, but then I realised, maybe selfishly, that infact I am the most important one in my life and I should live for me and however I want to live, not live for anyone else or how someone else wants me to live.

I used to be so down and so lonely, even if I were in a room of people. I used to latch onto anyone who would show me interest thinking that they would be a good friend, but sadly I used to, 99% of the time, be wrong. I've always had a good heart and always believed that everyone had SOME good in them and always looked for that good, and it took me a long time to realise that infact I was wrong. Some people, especially in todays society, do not have an ounce of good in them. Most people are obsessed with money and material things and will pick and pick until they have what they want then will drop you like a used flannel. It took me a long time to realise that and it was very very hard for me.

As well as money and material things people also seem to be obsessed with beauty. Its always nice to take care of yourself and look good, but some people seem to think just because someone is pleasing to the eye, that they are a good person, and will do anything for that person, they do not see the beauty from within.

I'm not going to interfere in peoples lives, everyone has the right to live their life the way they want to, but I hope one day, like me, they can get out of their ruts and be happy.

With my work, I see things that are horrible, real tragedy, and although I've never been naive to the fact everyone has problems, it really hit home what some people are going through. We are all very lucky although we may think we are not. Anyone whos reading this has the privaledge of having access to the internet. We may think we are "poor" but we are a hell of a lot better of than most of the people in the world.

I now have a couple of real friends, a brilliant relationship and a good job. I am so thankful for that and I have done it all mainly on my own and I am proud. People have advised me in the past and seem to want to help, but then walked away or been cruel in some way or another, but I decided to live, to not let it affect me. I am a manic depressive, and that I have to cope with for the rest of my life, but I am dealing with things very well.

Oh and I nw have the most impressive collection of different coloured handbags and shoes ever :P lol

I have come very far in the past year!

Prejudice And Discrimination...

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 22:14:00 +0000

I have recently been thinking about somebody who at the end of last year tried to judge me and bring me down... so I thought I would rant...

Everybody in this world has prejudices. Anybody who declares that they do not, is a liar. This does not make us bad people, we are only bad when we act on these prejudices and start to discriminate people. Other people do not have prejudices about certain groups of people but will still discriminate against them, maybe because of fear, peer pressure or ignorance.

Every person on this Earth is born equal, but it is society and environment that determines who we will become. You may have certain values and ethics that are totally different from the person next door, and these are hard to change, especially as they have been moulded over time from the day that you were born, but you must realise... you may have some pre-conceived view on certain groups of people... you may believe the stereotype that you have in your head... but just because you believe this and may be narrow minded, it doesn't make your judgements true.

Nobody has any right to judge another person, or presume that they either understand or know them. Every person is an individual and need not be judged by classifacations of culture, race, class, belief, looks etc, but be commended on the positive actions that they take in life.

We must all learn to be more open minded and non judgemental, in general. If there is something that we do not understand, we should learn to have the decency to ask or research, not judge nor bring down. Rather than mirror the insecurities we feel within our own souls, onto others, we should learn to accept that this is a very diverse world, full of very different people. It is akin to the colours of the rainbow... everybody has different beliefs, cultures, race, likes, dislikes etc and this should be embraced and people should be proud to share with others as this world would be a very boring place if everybody looked the same, had the same experiences, beliefs etc.

Yes this is an extremerly idealistic point of view as there are people out there who are just pure negative... but if you look at their history you may just start to understand and appreciate that because they were treated and moulded in a certain way, they act in a certain way, and then you may just become enlightened to the fact that, your actions could change the rest of somebodys life.